One Balloon. Three Decades. One Catchphrase

Today, Reader, is my 30^th birthday. Please, hold your applause.

I celebrated the last night of my 20’s eating chain-restaurant Mexican food and sipping margaritas off the happy hour menu with a friend in Times Square. That might sound like a pathetic way to end a decade, the peak of my youth, the final years of excused irresponsibility; but nevertheless, fun was had all thanks to good company and one shimmering mylar balloon.

The check came and we said our goodbyes and I marched to the nearest subway station, birthday balloon in hand.

It’s a wonder how one seemingly insignificant prop can attract the attention of strangers near and far. I received a smattering of birthday wishes from pedestrians and for New York an uncanny dose of smiles. I boarded the uptown A train taking the first available seat… next to a drunken man with a comically large cane. It could have been Donatello’s bo staff with a hook attached. He swayed with the movement of the train car and once he perked up laying eyes upon my shimmering balloon, I knew amusement with a dash mortal concern would ensue. 

“Welllllllll, lookie there!” he howled, violently poking a sleeping man with the cane, his companion.

The man awoke with a grunt.

“Eustace!” (yes, his name was Eustace) “this little lady’s havin her ma’fuckin’ birthday!”

Eustace did not care and returned to his snooze.

When a stranger opens a conversation including the phrase “ma’fuckin’”, you know danger is lurking near. Maybe it was stupidity or laziness or perhaps my overwhelming need to be dangerously amused among strangers, but I never considered moving my seat. The threat of his cane pummeling me over the head was apparent, but I wanted to stay for more. More ma’fuckin’ entertainment!

Bum Wine focused his blurred gaze upon me. In a simulated sweet tone he asked, “how’s that birthday comin’ along, little lady?”

“Well, it’s not quite my birthday yet so-- ”  

“You can’t get what you ma’fuckin’ want!” waving his cane dangerously overhead.

Whoa! Whoa! I didn’t ask for anything, not even a pony!

“It’s actually tomorr--”

“But if you try, you’ll get what you ma’fuckin’ need!”

Okay, Mick. I get it.

He became quiet and I assumed the show was over, until….

“You a ma’fuckin’ baby. Not like me, I’m old as shit...”

Suddenly this was becoming a very long train ride.

“Smoke on the ma’fuckin’ water!”

“I don’t know what that means?” Dangerous reply, I should have had Deep Purple bruises at this point but thankfully the train reached my stop.

I rose to exit politely allowing those before me file out first just as Bum Wine surprisingly began to follow. Crap. Thankfully he pushed in front of me and my balloon muttering a series of incoherent rants with the occasional “ma’fuckin’ birthday” sprinkled on top. He moved so slowly that the doors began to close.

Ma’fucker, I thought, if I have to walk home from the next station stop I will kill you.

Just then he shoved his cane through the closing double doors attempting to pry them apart. Aggressively yanking the cane back and forth, other passengers and I backed away as his face turned red and his tone, infuriated, “What the fuck is wrong with you! Open the ma’fuckin’ doors, you ma’fuckin asshole!” At the front most car the conductor’s "cockpit" lies mere feet from where we stood. He shoved his hand through the sliver available, his skin decayed. His long fingernails now visible as he wrenched the doors open screaming the whole way.

The doors finally released and we were free. He walked ahead of me and I watched him approach the conductor's window tapping the cane against the plexiglass, "Why don't you let me out the ma'fuckin' train!?!" As I neared the stairs passing his massive body, he abruptly stopped shouting at the moving train and turned to face me on the platform. Leaning in frighteningly close to my face, so quickly I didn’t see it coming…

“Happy birthday, little lady," and he hobbled away.

*I'm now considering perpetually roaming the underground holding a balloon as an experiment. Science is Fun.